SUFFERJETS

I have been getting some flack over the fact that my list of the Top Twenty People of All Time had very few (i.e. one) women on it. Part of the problem is that until 1929 women were not persons, at least in Canada. (And THEN what happened? Right after we generously allowed them to be considered "people", they crashed the stock market.) That does limit the number of people to choose from. I will be entertaining suggestions for a revised, gender-fair list in the near future. That Queen lady in England might make the list. She certainly owns a lot of money. Every $20.00 bill I come across seems to have her picture on it. Perhaps Harry Potter's mother, the Rowling lady... or Helen Keller... Ann Frank... Madonna (the singer, OR the frequently-used model for Renaissance sculptors and painters). Margot Coulter did make the REAL list, coming in at number five. This morning I said to her: "Your people must be very proud of you!"

I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING...

One day while working the bar a person in the military, and therefor wearing one of those Canadian Forces green camouflage uniforms, approached and said: "May I have a Stella, please?"

I looked wildly about and said: "WHO SAID THAT!!??"

TOP TWENTY

We all love "Top Twenty" lists. I know that I do. "Top Twenty" lists are near the top of my list of  "My Favourite Things". Right after "Snowdrops that melt on my face and eyelashes". Last night I was making a list of my Top Twenty people of all time.

WILL

1.  WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE (playwright, England) (and first mayor of Stratford, ON, I think... you see his face EVERYWHERE in that town)

2.  GORDON LIGHTFOOT (folksinger, Canada) (only Canadian born folksinger to have song featured in a Seinfeld episode)

3.  SIR ISAAC NEWTON (inventor of gravity, and fig-filled cookies, England)

4.  LARRY ROBINSON (greatest defence man in hockey history, Canada, of course)

5.  GATES MCFADDEN (actress, U.S.A.)    


5.  MARGOT COULTER (my wife, my sweetie, my muse, Canada)

6.  LOUIS RIEL (Metis leader, deceased, Canada) (He's French, and he's edgy)

7.  GROUCHO MARX (comedian, U.S.A.) (Tossing a bone to the U.S..... AND he was VERY funny!)

8., 9., & 10.  THE OTHER MARX BROTHERS (comedians, and a mute harpist, U.S.A.)

Gen. Bill Slim

11.  GENERAL WILLIAM "BILL" SLIM ("The Savior of Burma", England) (some people call ME... "Slim". And that's why. Because I once saved a Burmese cat from a Fisher.)

12.  & 13. A tie between: LEONARDO DA VINCI (painter, sculptor, inventor, code talker, Italy) and JUNIOR FELIX (right-field, son of Senior Felix, U.S.A.) It was felt that, while The Mona Lisa and The Last Supper are both exquisite paintings, Junior Felix had more speed going first to second on a triple. The number of times that Leonardo got thrown out at second boggles the mind, somehow.

Mona Lisa

Junior

14.  PETER THE GREAT (Tsar, Czar, Russia) (Only number 14... pretty good, but not GREAT)

15.  STEPHEN LEACOCK (humourist, economics professor, author, Canada) (NEVER, however, won the Leacock Prize for best work of humour published in Canada.Weird.)

16.  RICK MERCER (television personality, comedian, Canada)(the thinking man's Don Cherry)

17.  SUPERMAN (super hero, Krypton)

18.  FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE (philosopher, Germany) (CREATED Superman)(GREAT name)

19.  GEORGE BERNARD SHAW (play wright, Ireland) (WROTE "Man and Superman")

20.  SPALDING GRAY (actor, story-teller, U.S.A.)

  

MONDAY NIGHT AT THE GRAND

Monday night Margot and I went to see "Spamalot" at The Grand Theatre. I am, you must understand, a very big fan of Monty Python. We already saw the show once, in New York, but HAD to go again. Hey... it was in Kingston!! A Broadway show... in Kingston!!

At the Grand, when the house is full, the line up at the bar can be rather long and slow-moving. So I checked the programme to ascertain when to make a dash for it. I checked with Margot- she wanted only "a brownie".
I said I thought they only sold drinks... at the bar. She said: "Well, if they have something sweet..."

I was, indeed, first in line at the bar. There were no brownies there. I bought my beer and I turned around--- and there was a FREE buffet with smoked salmon and fancy cheese and... brownies!! I was torn between surrendering my advantage and position at the front of the buffet table (featuring smoked salmon and shrimp) and grabbing a brownie for... for... I forgot who... so I grazed some more at the buffet... and SUDDENLY, Margot appeared beside me!! I was a little embarrassed. But I recovered. In a loud voice I told her: "I was just telling these ladies here that I would LOVE to have some of this lovely seafood, but my Sweetie Margot needs a brownie first. Wasn't I?" ...and I looked around for support, and they (total strangers though they were) all nodded enthusiastically. That's why I love Kingston. AND I think I got away with it...

Me (sampling seafood)

ACTRESS... BISHOP...

The restaurant I used to own was called "Mars".

People told me that it "lacked atmosphere."

DESSERT

My best idea was the dessert that we had on the menu. It was HUGE. It cost $69.00. We called it: "The Bill".

The Bill

We would ask: "Anything else?" and the customer would reply, "No... just bring the bill."

It was great for increasing the average check... lousy for repeat business. But on Mars... we didn't always get much repeat business.

ALSO....

We had a dinner item on the menu that we called "The Usual". It was not described. Total strangers would walk in, sit down, and we would greet them with: "The Usual?"

The Usual

It sold really well. If, on those rare occasions when we were busy but sold no Usuals, we would pause, scratch our heads, and say to each other: "THAT'S Unusual."