THE OBJECTION

You know how at weddings the minister, or the "officiant", asks the assembled whether there is anyone who has reason to object to the union? And they use that great line, "Speak NOW---  or forever hold your piece"? It's a moment that is very often exciting in the movies, but I've never seen anyone stand up and say anything at a real wedding. I always look around... wondering: Who will object? Come ON!! Someone must know something that we don't know... But, no. No one ever objects. And the wedding always goes forward. How boring is that?

So I decided that at OUR wedding, at our THIRD wedding, which was scheduled to be the funny, fake wedding, some one would object. And I knew exactly who to ask. I asked my friend Peter. We told Peter that he needed to step forward at the crucial moment and halt the proceedings. We told him to make it funny. And we told him not to tell us what his plan was going to be, so that we, too, would be surprised. He took on the task. We gave him several months to come up with something. He did not disappoint.

This was to be the funny, fake wedding because the romantic, real wedding was to happen at Boldt Castle in the Thousand Islands the day before in front of twenty or so friends. The real wedding was to be a secret so that the ninety people invited to the Saturday wedding would not know that what they were watching was a fake ceremony. We had a fake minister dressed up as... as an Anglican priest, I suppose. We asked Chris to do the honours because he was just FRANTICALLY asking to be invited and we really had no room for him. He said he would do anything to be able to attend and that's when Margot realised that he would do a great job. He looked like a minister, perhaps... he was a retired university professor of art history: you can perhaps imagine!

Rev. Chris threw some humour into the service (a service that he prepared) but just about everyone at the wedding thought that he was real, and that the whole thing was legitimate. Towards the end, and just before he was to declare us to be husband and wife, he asked the key question, pretending to be surprised when Peter stepped forward to answer the call. Peter looked a little angry, I thought, as he gave us all a short lecture about taking solemn ceremonies seriously... and about it wanting to make some of us cry... and if we were to cry... why not a professional cry? At that moment there was a loud voice from the back of the assembled: "STOP THIS!! STOP THIS SHAM!!" Kingston's award-winning Town Crier, dressed in full regalia, and carrying a rolled-up proclamation, swinging a large brass bell, strode purposefully through the crowd, and took his place beside me. He unfurled the document and read about how this ceremony was a fraud and a deception. There were cries of "Shame!" from the audience. He announced that Margot and Greg were already married, and on foreign soil, no less. More, louder cries of "Shame!!" He had proof. The witnesses (my son and her sister) were there amongst us, and everyone turned to them. They looked sheepishly at the ground. AND (he continued) it was consummated! And of that he also had proof ! At this point he is holding over his head for all to see a VCR tape. I thought that the high point of the wedding came at this point when he told us that copies of the tape were available at http://www.fiveminutesofpassion.com/.
("Five minutes of passion" is a LITTLE misleading...  Two minutes of bloopers and out-takes, and a short interview with the director... the actual "passion" is just over forty-six seconds. I do not want you telling me that you did not get your money's worth. The line for that forms behind Margot.)
The Town Crier (whose real name is also Chris) pointed to the Rev. Chris and told the assembled that HE was a fake, as well, and not a holy man of the cloth, but rather a lowly doctor of fine arts at Queen's University. I thought that Rev. Chris's response to that was very dignified. He drew up his shoulders and stuck out his chest and announced that he had NEVER taught at Queen's. (Chris taught for ten years at Mt. Allison.) Rev. Chris also took umbrage at the accusation that he was not ordained. He then claimed to have received his ordination from a very reputable website just two days prior.
As per MY instructions, Rev. Chris then presented the happy couple to the assembled: "Ladies and Gentlemen: MISSUS GREG MILLEDGE.... and a long pause as everyone looked to Margot to see when, and how, she would explode... and then: AND MISTER MARGOT COULTER.
Wild Applause. The end.