SUFFERJETS

I have been getting some flack over the fact that my list of the Top Twenty People of All Time had very few (i.e. one) women on it. Part of the problem is that until 1929 women were not persons, at least in Canada. (And THEN what happened? Right after we generously allowed them to be considered "people", they crashed the stock market.) That does limit the number of people to choose from. I will be entertaining suggestions for a revised, gender-fair list in the near future. That Queen lady in England might make the list. She certainly owns a lot of money. Every $20.00 bill I come across seems to have her picture on it. Perhaps Harry Potter's mother, the Rowling lady... or Helen Keller... Ann Frank... Madonna (the singer, OR the frequently-used model for Renaissance sculptors and painters). Margot Coulter did make the REAL list, coming in at number five. This morning I said to her: "Your people must be very proud of you!"

I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING...

One day while working the bar a person in the military, and therefor wearing one of those Canadian Forces green camouflage uniforms, approached and said: "May I have a Stella, please?"

I looked wildly about and said: "WHO SAID THAT!!??"

TOP TWENTY

We all love "Top Twenty" lists. I know that I do. "Top Twenty" lists are near the top of my list of  "My Favourite Things". Right after "Snowdrops that melt on my face and eyelashes". Last night I was making a list of my Top Twenty people of all time.

WILL

1.  WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE (playwright, England) (and first mayor of Stratford, ON, I think... you see his face EVERYWHERE in that town)

2.  GORDON LIGHTFOOT (folksinger, Canada) (only Canadian born folksinger to have song featured in a Seinfeld episode)

3.  SIR ISAAC NEWTON (inventor of gravity, and fig-filled cookies, England)

4.  LARRY ROBINSON (greatest defence man in hockey history, Canada, of course)

5.  GATES MCFADDEN (actress, U.S.A.)    


5.  MARGOT COULTER (my wife, my sweetie, my muse, Canada)

6.  LOUIS RIEL (Metis leader, deceased, Canada) (He's French, and he's edgy)

7.  GROUCHO MARX (comedian, U.S.A.) (Tossing a bone to the U.S..... AND he was VERY funny!)

8., 9., & 10.  THE OTHER MARX BROTHERS (comedians, and a mute harpist, U.S.A.)

Gen. Bill Slim

11.  GENERAL WILLIAM "BILL" SLIM ("The Savior of Burma", England) (some people call ME... "Slim". And that's why. Because I once saved a Burmese cat from a Fisher.)

12.  & 13. A tie between: LEONARDO DA VINCI (painter, sculptor, inventor, code talker, Italy) and JUNIOR FELIX (right-field, son of Senior Felix, U.S.A.) It was felt that, while The Mona Lisa and The Last Supper are both exquisite paintings, Junior Felix had more speed going first to second on a triple. The number of times that Leonardo got thrown out at second boggles the mind, somehow.

Mona Lisa

Junior

14.  PETER THE GREAT (Tsar, Czar, Russia) (Only number 14... pretty good, but not GREAT)

15.  STEPHEN LEACOCK (humourist, economics professor, author, Canada) (NEVER, however, won the Leacock Prize for best work of humour published in Canada.Weird.)

16.  RICK MERCER (television personality, comedian, Canada)(the thinking man's Don Cherry)

17.  SUPERMAN (super hero, Krypton)

18.  FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE (philosopher, Germany) (CREATED Superman)(GREAT name)

19.  GEORGE BERNARD SHAW (play wright, Ireland) (WROTE "Man and Superman")

20.  SPALDING GRAY (actor, story-teller, U.S.A.)

  

MONDAY NIGHT AT THE GRAND

Monday night Margot and I went to see "Spamalot" at The Grand Theatre. I am, you must understand, a very big fan of Monty Python. We already saw the show once, in New York, but HAD to go again. Hey... it was in Kingston!! A Broadway show... in Kingston!!

At the Grand, when the house is full, the line up at the bar can be rather long and slow-moving. So I checked the programme to ascertain when to make a dash for it. I checked with Margot- she wanted only "a brownie".
I said I thought they only sold drinks... at the bar. She said: "Well, if they have something sweet..."

I was, indeed, first in line at the bar. There were no brownies there. I bought my beer and I turned around--- and there was a FREE buffet with smoked salmon and fancy cheese and... brownies!! I was torn between surrendering my advantage and position at the front of the buffet table (featuring smoked salmon and shrimp) and grabbing a brownie for... for... I forgot who... so I grazed some more at the buffet... and SUDDENLY, Margot appeared beside me!! I was a little embarrassed. But I recovered. In a loud voice I told her: "I was just telling these ladies here that I would LOVE to have some of this lovely seafood, but my Sweetie Margot needs a brownie first. Wasn't I?" ...and I looked around for support, and they (total strangers though they were) all nodded enthusiastically. That's why I love Kingston. AND I think I got away with it...

Me (sampling seafood)

ACTRESS... BISHOP...

The restaurant I used to own was called "Mars".

People told me that it "lacked atmosphere."

DESSERT

My best idea was the dessert that we had on the menu. It was HUGE. It cost $69.00. We called it: "The Bill".

The Bill

We would ask: "Anything else?" and the customer would reply, "No... just bring the bill."

It was great for increasing the average check... lousy for repeat business. But on Mars... we didn't always get much repeat business.

ALSO....

We had a dinner item on the menu that we called "The Usual". It was not described. Total strangers would walk in, sit down, and we would greet them with: "The Usual?"

The Usual

It sold really well. If, on those rare occasions when we were busy but sold no Usuals, we would pause, scratch our heads, and say to each other: "THAT'S Unusual."

"Furthermore..."

Front Parking Lot

Mars was a little out of the way, but had LOTS of parking (see photo). From our house on Thunderbird, and depending on traffic over the causeway,  it took about... 73 years to get there. I always recommended that you call ahead... I mean, why waste the trip if we were booked up when you got there? The food was out of this world. So was the service... well, it was ALL out of this world, really.

THE STAN LEE CUP (St. Patrick's)

Ben and Peter Duke It Out

What it's all about: The Stan Lee Cup

The second edition of the Stan Lee Cup Euchre Championship of Most of the Known World was held on Sunday and what a dandy it was. The Grand Championship came down to a sudden-death, winner-takes-all match between Ben Milledge and Peter Bacon. Joining them at the Champion's Table for all the marbles were Dave Oliver, and Charlie Cooney (reprising his finalist appearance in November, 2011).

The weather was so summer-like that two of the three competition tables were located outside, and mosquitos became an issue. After three intense sessions consisting of five rotations each, we were left with an all-male table on the porch fighting for the big burrito, a foursome in the bay window comprising the two McLachlans visiting from Toronto, Coleen and Paul, as well as Margot Coulter and Leslee Oliver, two finalists from the first tournament who manged to fall to the middle bracket where only $15.00 were at stake, and a Cat's table featuring Defending Champion Missy Molloy, with Bev Bacon, Fran Cooney, and Greg Milledge.

Full results after regulation play:

I made it Spades... for my partner

1. Charlie Cooney, 61 points, and $15.25
2. Ben Milledge, 60 points, and $15.00 even
3. Peter Bacon, 53 points, and $13.25
4. Dave Oliver, 50 points, for $12.50

Dave Oliver had started the third session one point behind Margot Coulter, but caught her on the second rotation of the third session, and then passed her on the third. Whew!!

5. Margot Coulter, 49 points, and $12.25
6. Leslee Oliver, 48 points, for $12.00
7. Coleen McLachlan, 45 points, and $11.25
8. Paul McLachlan, 43 points, and $10.75

Leslee Oliver had started slowly, but with 36 points earned in the second and third sessions, she was catching fire... just a little too late.

9. Fran Cooney, 41 points, and $10.25 (Canadian Funds)
10.Bev Bacon, 39 points, for $9.75
11.Missy Molloy, 38 points, and $9.50, tied with
11.Greg Milledge, 38 points, and also $9.50

In the fifth rotation of the first session, Ben and Margot made history by scoring a 10 pointer up in the bay window. That capped a 26 point first session for Ben, and an early, commanding lead. It is understood that that 26 points is also a record for points in any one session.

Pot Luck

AFTER DINNER


After a wonderful potluck dinner, and a little wine, the Championship round was played.

Paul and Coleen

At the Cat's Table Bev Bacon  made mince meat out of the rest of us to get her name on the trophy (AND $15.00). It was Bev Bacon 14, Missy Molloy 10, Fran Cooney 7, and Greg Milledge finishing dead last in both departments with 5.

At the Queen's Table it was very close with Coleen McLachlan  capturing honours (AND $15.00) at 14, with Margot Coulter right behind with 13, and Paul McLachlan 9, Leslee Oliver 6.

Peter's Winning Hand

The real drama was saved for the Championship Table, of course. One rotation produced a tie score. Ben Milledge and Peter Bacon deadlocked with 9 each, Dave Oliver 6, and Charlie Cooney 2. There was a draw for partners and Peter won Charlie, which left Ben and Dave together. The Bacon luck held, and Bev's husband
Peter Bacon  brought home the trophy by winning the March 18, 2012 edition of the Stan Lee Cup. AND $25.00 extra for his trouble.

The Stan Lee Cup Committee would like to thank our generous sponsers:

The Bad Year Rubber Company... "Remember:  If your cheque bounces, it's a Bad Year."

(I stole that from Rocky and Bullwinkle.)



Margot and Greg Say Good Night

   

SHUFFLE THE iPOD TWO

Richie Valens

LA BAMBA, Richie Valens, from
    The Best of Richie Valens
MOUNTAINS O'MOURNE, Don McLean, from
    American Pie: The Greatest Hits of Don McLean
WHO ARE YOU, The Who, from
    20th Century Masters: The Best of The Who
YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE, Norman Blake, from
    O Brother, Where Art Thou?
ZOO STATION, U2, from


Matt Andersen

     Achtung Baby
AN INCH AN HOUR, The Tragically Hip, from
    Day for Night
GO-GO ROUND, Gordon Lightfoot, from
    Complete Greatest Hits
DEVIL'S BRIDE, Matt Andersen, from
    Matt Andersen Live at the Phoenix
I AM A MAN OF CONSTANT SORROW, John Hartford, from
    O Brother, Where Art Thou?
DESIRE, U2, from

    The Best of 1980-1990

JUDGE BRICK

The Friday night wedding (the REAL wedding) was to take place at Boldt Castle. That's in New York State. We needed to find an officiant. In New York State people use judges if they do not wish for a church wedding. We asked the Town of Alexandria Bay for a few recommendations, and I called and left messages with three or four. Judge Calvin Brick was amongst those who replied. I liked the sound of his voice. He SOUNDED like a very nice person. And I REALLY liked his name. Very solid: Calvin BRICK. Probably not Catholic. "The guy pronounces marriages that last." And you KNOW what his bathroom is called...

So I called him back and told him that we were interested. Again I was leaving a message. I told him a thing or two about our plans. By now I had put an answering machine message on our phone that suggested that we had reached the limit of how many guests we could invite to "The Wedding of the Summer", and further suggested that we were really tired of hearing from "Liz Windsor"--- that, "No, she could NOT come to the wedding, and furthermore, we KNEW who she REALLY was... we had traced her calls to a phone booth near Buckingham Palace".

This message revealed to me that very few people in Canada seem to know that our Queen's real name is Windsor. "The House of Windsor". Until W.W.One the family name had been Saxe-Cobourg and Gotha, but it had been decided that that was just a little too German sounding, so it was changed to something a little more English. Elizabeth Windsor was the name she used when she served in the army in W.W.Two. Even lesser known fact: Her two favourite corgis were originally called Blitzkrieg and Wolfslair. In 1939 they were re-named... and Banzai and Samurai each lived ten more years. True story.

Banzai, Liz, and Samurai

ANYWAY... Judge Brick returned my call and this time I was home and we spoke for the first time. He sounded worried. "We have a problem." "What!?" I asked. "The Queen. She just called me. She's pissed. She really wants to come to the wedding. I have to call her back. What am I going to say?"

By this time I knew that he was the perfect choice for our wedding. I told him: "The problem is... We were not invited to HER little wedding in the spring... Kate and Will."

"You weren't there?" he said. "Don't worry. You really didn't miss much. I was disappointed, frankly."

"What was wrong?"

"Well.. What wasn't wrong? I mean, the hors d'oeuvres?"

"Costco?" I said.

"Yes. You don't expect that from the Queen, do you?"

No you don't.

..said the actress to the bishop...

One morning a little old lady approached me and told me that the ladies' room was in need of toilet paper. This happened at the back of our sister restaurant, so this dilemma was not MY responsibility. But I knew that I had to inform someone. So I went to Ken and told him: "When I was checking out my web cam this morning, I noticed that the ladies' room needs toilet paper in stall one."

...SAID THE ACTRESS TO THE BISHOP...

A customer had just received his burger. He hadn't even tried it yet, and he was asking me to bring him ketchup. I asked him to taste the burger first. He insisted on the ketchup, so I brought it to him.

Later that day... I asked him how his burger was. he told me that it was very good, but that he probably should have listened to me about the ketchup. So I said:

"Heinz sight is 57."
(This is not mine. Michelle at Les Chats Orange says she came up with that one in her sleep. So she is funnier fast asleep than most of us are wide awake.)

...SAID THE ACTRESS TO THE BISHOP.

Bruce Cockburn came in by himself to the restaurant one night and I got to serve him. At one point he said:

"Greg," (because we were on that sort of casual basis... he called me Greg and I called him Mr. Cockburn) "Where does the chicken come from?" The chicken on the menu came from Lyons Farm, and I told him that.

"Lyons Farm? Where is that?"

Bruce Cockburn

So I got to go to the guys in the kitchen and tell them: "The guy at table ten is Wondering Where the Lyons Are."

THE ACADEMY AWARDS

We went to see The Artist  last night at The Screening Room. For me, the charm and the pleasure of going to see a movie there is roughly fifty per cent the movie itself, and fifty per cent the whole experience of being at that theatre. The remaining twenty-five per cent would be the coffee. Or the price of the coffee ($1.50!!). Or, to be exact, the organic, wildflower flavoured honey that can go into your coffee, should you choose. Served in a ceramic mug, no less. That's so quaint. Quaint in a really good way. And Wendy is SO nice! And all of her staff. 

And the movie, you ask? We enjoyed it. It was very entertaining. Very ballsy to create a silent movie, to be sure. The acting was wonderful. Nice to see John Goodman. The dog was perfect. The story was clever, I guess, and told well. But... NOT the movie of the year, surely.



The movie of the year, in my opinion, and I just KNOW that you care, would be Take Shelter.  A perfect movie in every way. Not one false move. If you ignore the bizarre ending... perfect. The acting. The script. The subtle and nuanced characterizations... 

After Take Shelter  I would choose, in a tie for second place, Moneyball,  and Rango. After those three I would group The Help, and Hugo, and The Tree of Life. Best actor? Could Johnny Depp win for an animated movie? No? Then how about Brad Pitt for both of his roles. I did not see Maryl Streep as Thatcher but can only guess that she fully deserved to win.









OUR NUMBERS ARE UP!!

Did you notice that our number of "Followers" had increased by 100% over the past week or so? We have gone from ONE, to TWO... and the new followers are even proud to identify themselves!! Our "Membership Drive" is showing large results. Also notice that the number of visits to this blog is approaching 500. We will have to do something special for visitor number 500.

ANIMAL TESTING

Yesterday I bought some Pet Stain Remover product because we have two cats and they are not always polite regarding their bodily expulsions. I was reading the information and I noticed the message: Not tested on animals. That led me to ask myself: Why not? Did they run out of time? Out of pets to try it out on? And I realized that we had two cats, which number is about one too many, some times, and so maybe I could do some of that testing. So I took the spray and I hunted down Lance. (Lance is the only cat that I know of who has an aboriginal name to go along with his birth name: "Leaks From Bum".)  Flash is younger and I thought that he had more time left to enjoy himself. So I held the can of Pet Stain Remover and I sprayed the back end of Lance and he completely disappeared! I have no idea what happened. He did not COMPLETELY disappear, as there was left, on the carpet, a little stain. And I thought: That's ironic! Anyway... be careful out there. If you LIKE your pets, be careful.

THE iPOD SHUFFLE

Just hit Shuffle and tell me what your first ten songs are.



k.d.lang



1. AFTER THE GOLD RUSH, k.d.lang, from

         Hymns of the 49th Parallel
2. I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING
        FOR, U2, from
        The Best of U2 1980-1990
3. SLEDGEHAMMER, Peter Gabriel, from
        Shaking the Tree: 16 Golden Greats
4. IF IT BE YOUR WILL, Leonard Cohen, from

         Live in London

5. WHITE LIGHTNING, Dany Michel, from

         Live in Winnipeg

6. THE DARKEST ONE, The Tragically Hip, from

         Yer Favourites
7. FITS YA GOOD, Bryan Adams, from

The Tragically Hip

         MTV Unplugged (Live)

8. IF YOU COULD READ MY MIND, Gordon

         Lightfoot, from

         Complete Greatest Hits

9. HAWKMOON 269, U2, from

         Rattle and Hum

10. SHE DIDN'T KNOW, The Tragically Hip, from

         Up to Here

Rather heavy on the CanCon, eh?

SEX, VIOLENCE, NAKED WOMEN, BLOOD, JUSTIN BIEBER, etc.

Not trying to get an "X" rating... just trying to increase my readership amongst that all-important age group: 14 to 18. My ratings with adolescents and teenagers are rather low at the moment. On the bright side, I am a big hit in Russia, for some reason. "Balding, Grey" must translate into Russian as "Free Porn", or perhaps "Find a Canadian Husband". Oh, and, Honda.

Justin Bieber

FREE LATTE

Walked up to the counter at Tim Horton's holding a "roll up the rim to win"  winning rim. I told the young lady that I had won a car and that I had come to claim it. "A car!!?" she said, and smiled. "Then you'd better fill out a form..." she informed me, but I was still pretending to try to read the message. "A Honda Latte, I believe."*

*That's called product placement. I'm hoping that Honda will pay me a little bit if I mention Honda in passing from time to time.

THE OBJECTION

You know how at weddings the minister, or the "officiant", asks the assembled whether there is anyone who has reason to object to the union? And they use that great line, "Speak NOW---  or forever hold your piece"? It's a moment that is very often exciting in the movies, but I've never seen anyone stand up and say anything at a real wedding. I always look around... wondering: Who will object? Come ON!! Someone must know something that we don't know... But, no. No one ever objects. And the wedding always goes forward. How boring is that?

So I decided that at OUR wedding, at our THIRD wedding, which was scheduled to be the funny, fake wedding, some one would object. And I knew exactly who to ask. I asked my friend Peter. We told Peter that he needed to step forward at the crucial moment and halt the proceedings. We told him to make it funny. And we told him not to tell us what his plan was going to be, so that we, too, would be surprised. He took on the task. We gave him several months to come up with something. He did not disappoint.

This was to be the funny, fake wedding because the romantic, real wedding was to happen at Boldt Castle in the Thousand Islands the day before in front of twenty or so friends. The real wedding was to be a secret so that the ninety people invited to the Saturday wedding would not know that what they were watching was a fake ceremony. We had a fake minister dressed up as... as an Anglican priest, I suppose. We asked Chris to do the honours because he was just FRANTICALLY asking to be invited and we really had no room for him. He said he would do anything to be able to attend and that's when Margot realised that he would do a great job. He looked like a minister, perhaps... he was a retired university professor of art history: you can perhaps imagine!

Rev. Chris threw some humour into the service (a service that he prepared) but just about everyone at the wedding thought that he was real, and that the whole thing was legitimate. Towards the end, and just before he was to declare us to be husband and wife, he asked the key question, pretending to be surprised when Peter stepped forward to answer the call. Peter looked a little angry, I thought, as he gave us all a short lecture about taking solemn ceremonies seriously... and about it wanting to make some of us cry... and if we were to cry... why not a professional cry? At that moment there was a loud voice from the back of the assembled: "STOP THIS!! STOP THIS SHAM!!" Kingston's award-winning Town Crier, dressed in full regalia, and carrying a rolled-up proclamation, swinging a large brass bell, strode purposefully through the crowd, and took his place beside me. He unfurled the document and read about how this ceremony was a fraud and a deception. There were cries of "Shame!" from the audience. He announced that Margot and Greg were already married, and on foreign soil, no less. More, louder cries of "Shame!!" He had proof. The witnesses (my son and her sister) were there amongst us, and everyone turned to them. They looked sheepishly at the ground. AND (he continued) it was consummated! And of that he also had proof ! At this point he is holding over his head for all to see a VCR tape. I thought that the high point of the wedding came at this point when he told us that copies of the tape were available at http://www.fiveminutesofpassion.com/.
("Five minutes of passion" is a LITTLE misleading...  Two minutes of bloopers and out-takes, and a short interview with the director... the actual "passion" is just over forty-six seconds. I do not want you telling me that you did not get your money's worth. The line for that forms behind Margot.)
The Town Crier (whose real name is also Chris) pointed to the Rev. Chris and told the assembled that HE was a fake, as well, and not a holy man of the cloth, but rather a lowly doctor of fine arts at Queen's University. I thought that Rev. Chris's response to that was very dignified. He drew up his shoulders and stuck out his chest and announced that he had NEVER taught at Queen's. (Chris taught for ten years at Mt. Allison.) Rev. Chris also took umbrage at the accusation that he was not ordained. He then claimed to have received his ordination from a very reputable website just two days prior.
As per MY instructions, Rev. Chris then presented the happy couple to the assembled: "Ladies and Gentlemen: MISSUS GREG MILLEDGE.... and a long pause as everyone looked to Margot to see when, and how, she would explode... and then: AND MISTER MARGOT COULTER.
Wild Applause. The end.

ROCKS

Had a curling game to play at noon, yesterday. It was a tournament game... a MUST win game. Just before I left the house the telephone rang. The call was long-distance. The voice told me that our game location had been changed to The Royal Kingston Club.

"Who is this??!!" I asked.

"Elections Canada.... I mean, this is the Garrison Curling Club calling. Really. It really is us."

OUR FIRST NUPTUALS

When Margot and I went cruising in the Bahamas a couple of years ago we were engaged to be married. We had gotten engaged at Christmas. Margot received a coupon, rolled up in a tube, that entitled her to one engagement ring of her choice and design. I knew that I could not choose a ring for her. I knew that she would rather design her own. The coupon came with "some restrictions may apply": Not valid in the Province of Quebec (where her ex-partner lived), must be of legal drinking age (otherwise how do I get her drunk and take advantage of her?), and with a one-year expiry.

So that February saw us aboard the U.S.S. Liberty Something Or Other, sailing out of Nassau and heading east towards Eleuthra with eight other, fellow passengers, and ten crew. One other couple on board were engaged, as well, and when Captain Dan found out that he had TWO engaged couples, he informed us that he had recently obtained his minister's licence (from a very reputable on-line church) and that it might be a nice idea to have a double wedding, at sunset, on a nice beach. Margot and I thought: "Perfect!!" and began discussing plans. When we tried sharing our planning ideas with Couple Number Two, we discovered that they were less excited about the idea. He told me that they both were not the kinds of people who enjoyed being in the spotlight. I said to him that I understood, and then I turned to Margot and whispered: "I don't understand". The spotlight has never been something that I have shied away from...

Captain Dan is very funky. His Captain's uniform was usually barefoot, Hawaiian shirt, baseball cap, and what seemed to me to be love beads from the sixties. Margot will tell you that he was more hunky than funky, and she still has a soft spot in her heart for him. He was wonderful about the wedding. He spent days composing a special wedding ceremony for us. Each crew member had a role to play. One young woman wove rings for us out of twine. Another created a play list of music from her laptop. A cake was baked. Champagne bottles were placed on ice, and the second mate revealed that he had a special knack for opening corks using  a ceremonial sword. I chose a best man and Margot a maid of honour from amongst the passengers. Margot asked the cook's assistant (and cruise company vice-president) to give her away. He told Margot that he was from New England and had never given ANYTHING away in his life. But he took on the role. He took on the role so seriously that he felt duty-bound to have a very serious conversation with me (the groom) regarding my worthiness. I must have squeaked through somehow because he gave me his blessing.

We were married on the last day of the journey. We were anchored just off Rose Island and the weather was perfect. The sun sets at around 6:00 down there and so by 5:00 the groom's party (best man and me) were Zodiacking to the beach. My guy was Jewish so he had to immediately scratch out an Chuppa in the sand and then go in search of something suitable for the Matzel-Tov. He found an empty, plastic Pepsi bottle. Margot and her maid of honour arrived at 5:30. Captain Dan had ordered all crew and passengers to attend. That meant that even JoBar was there. JoBar was the engineer and he was a little rough around the edges and we were very pleasantly surprised to see him all (somewhat) dressed up. I wore my very best tee-shirt, the one that says: "Jesus is coming, Look Busy". Margot and I had each written our own vows. Margot's were very moving and she had trouble saying them through her tears. Mine were (predictably) more light-hearted. Norah Jones sang "Come Away With Me". The sunset was glorious. When Captain Dan asked the assembled whether or not anyone present would support Margot and Greg in their union, everyone answered "AAAAAARRGGHHHHH!!!" like a chorus of pirates. It was great!!

The wedding was not legal, of course, for there was no licence. The real wedding was still in the works and planned for the summer after the next, in August of 2011. But we had photos and we had our rings (that we both still wear) and we obtained a ceremonial copy, signed by Captain Dan himself, of the ceremony for display at the real do. Best of all, perhaps, we had some experience with planning a wedding, or a series of weddings, that might be fun and unusual and romantic, all at the same time.

FLAG OF INCONVENIENCE, TWO

So Margot and I are visiting Panama for a week in February, and we are staying with the Kuna Indigenous folks of the San Blas Islands. These people have been virtually independent from Panama since 1925, and they run their own province of the country  (Kuna Yala) which includes over three hundred islands off the north coast in the Caribbean Sea. One of those islands is Akwadup (which means, in their language, "island", and that seems to be appropriate), and we are staying at a "resort" there. The "resort" takes up the entire island, and there are only three other guests sharing the place with us. I say "resort" because it is pretty much bare bones and basic. It is not luxurious by any stretch of the imagination, but it is clean and the food is decent and the people who own and run it are wonderful, and we have an entire Caribbean island almost to ourselves. For an extra dollar Juan will take you in the motorboat to yet another, smaller island where the beaches are nicer and the swimming is better. So Margot and I decide that the price is right and we fork over our dollar (U.S.) and we head over there with the other guests. Margot is wearing her bathing suit and I am packing a recent copy of  The New Yorker. One of the other guests is a woman from Chicago who teaches Spanish for a living. For some reason she is under the mistaken impression that I also speak Spanish. Margot heads out to sea as soon as we arrive and I find a nice shady palm tree. Events seem to be unfolding as they should.

About one hour later my reading is disturbed by the lady from Chicago. She seems to be quite excited and she is telling me something, but she is speaking Spanish. I smile and I nod. I give her an "okay" sign with my hand. I say gracias, and I return to my magazine. What could possibly be so important that she should interrupt my precious reading time? She is American, I remind myself, and they all have a funny way of operating in the world sometimes.

I find out later that Margot needed to be rescued at sea. There was quite a strong current running along the coast that no one had told her about. She had gone out quite far (as is her wont) but soon noticed that she was swimming hard and getting nowhere versus the nearby islands. She was actually getting tired and she could not get back to land. Fortunately Juan was nearby, and he was wearing flippers. He tried helping her but had to resort to calling for the motorboat to come out to get them. Our fellow guest of the Illinois persuasion had been watching this and had decided that I needed to know that my wife had nearly been swept out to sea: to be eaten by sharks, certainly, or perhaps captured by pirates. She told me this in Spanish. And my response had been to smile, and to flash the "okay" sign at her, and then go back to my magazine. At dinner that evening she was a little bit frosty towards me.